Comments on student essay and sample responses
Today, we examine a TOEFL Academic Response Essay that merits 4 out of 5 by the ETS scale. First, please read this essay written by a student, and see whether you are persuaded by the argument presented by the student.
In alignment with contemporary academic writing conventions and to uphold political correctness, I will employ the pronoun "they" and its corresponding forms when referring to the third-person singular individual henceforth.
Student essay
I think it is not a good idea to let young children play any computer game not just the educational ones. The consequences of having a child getting addicted to a personal computer or a mobile outweigh the benefits by a landslide. There are traditional board games and cards that make the concept of learning both intuitive and easy specifically catered towards young children. The concept of gamifying basic skills is essential but the approach of making them accessible through electronic devices could prove detrimental especially in the case of children. Addiction to these devices often stem from a singular point in childhood where a parent neglected their responsibility and gave his a child a mobile phone or a computer. Electronic devices, no matter how good and efficient, often curb the innate curiosity and the drive to explore, in children and it is important that they should be allowed to mature in an environment filled with ample opportunities to explore their creative side and grow holistically, rather than being glued to a digital screen.
Word choice suggestion
make the concept of learning both intuitive and easy → make learning fun and engaging.
Semantic problem: what is intuitive and easy is learning, not the concept of learning.
“fun and engaging” is a fixed expression.
where a parent neglected their responsibility and gave his a child a mobile phone or a computer → where a parent was negligent and gave their child a mobile phone or a computer
By stating “responsibility,” you are making your reader ask what kind of responsibility, the elaboration of which is not your point. So, just say “negligent.”
often curb the innate curiosity → can stifle curiosity
“stifle curiosity” is a fixed expression
grow holistically → develop fully (fixed expression)
Topic development
The essay did a good job with the mechanics of writing, such as grammar and spelling. The reasons provided are also relevant. However, the essay is not persuasive because it does not make a strong argument for the author's position. To learn how to build persuasive arguments for academic responses, please see my book on TOEFL Academic Discussion. To illustrate, let's analyze the arguments in the essay.
I think it is not a good idea to let young children play any computer game not just the educational ones. The consequences of having a child getting addicted to a personal computer or a mobile outweigh the benefits by a landslide. There are traditional board games and cards that make the concept of learning both intuitive and easy specifically catered towards young children. The concept of gamifying basic skills is essential but the approach of making them accessible through electronic devices could prove detrimental especially in the case of children. Addiction to these devices often stem from a singular point in childhood where a parent neglected their responsibility and gave his a child a mobile phone or a computer. Electronic devices, no matter how good and efficient, often curb the innate curiosity and the drive to explore, in children and it is important that they should be allowed to mature in an environment filled with ample opportunities to explore their creative side and grow holistically, rather than being glued to a digital screen.
The essay provides three different reasons for their position:
The consequences of the addiction are very bad.
The use of electronic device is a symptom of parental neglect
Electronic games curb children's capacity for creativity.
None of these three reasons are elaborated upon, making them vulnerable to be attacked. Someone who believes that the device is beneficial for children would quickly respond to the reasons as follows.
not necessarily addictive, and in fact, learning how to use electric devices can have more positive consequences than the alleged addiction problem. Addiction can happen in all sorts of ways such as with drugs, sugar, coffee…It is more a matter of self-control and discipline. Education software can be made in such a way that children do not become addicted to it. On the other hand, consider the harm of not knowing how to use computers in our era. Digital literacy is indispensable in modern career development. Children who are exposed to the electric devices have higher chance to develop the necessary technological skills compared with those who didn’t use them when growing up
not necessarily parental neglect. Many parents who are very involved in their children’s education purchase electronic devices for the reason mentioned in 1.
not necessarily hinder children’s creativity. In fact, many educational apps promote children's creative skills. For example, coding is a creative skill. Gamified educational apps can teach children the basics of coding in a fun and engaging way. With these skills, they then can create their own games. Also, children can use music apps to play different instruments, or they can use recording software to create their own songs.
To persuade the rater, choose the strongest reason and develop it fully. This advice applies to TOEFL Speaking Question 1 as well. These are some sample responses with persuasive arguments.
Sample responses with persuasive arguments
Response 1
I argue that young children should avoid using electronic devices, even when the intent is educational. If the goal is to teach through gamification, there are many traditional board games and card games that can make learning fun. Numerous studies have consistently shown that electronic devices are highly addictive, while board games are relatively non-addictive. The consequences of a child becoming addicted to computers or mobile devices far outweigh any potential benefits. Consider the alarming rise in childhood obesity, which is largely attributed to sedentary lifestyles caused by excessive device usage. Additionally, children who play computer games often experience higher levels of anxiety, depression, and social isolation. This early exposure to digital distractions can lead to academic difficulties, making it difficult for them to keep up with their schoolwork and affecting their social development. While digital literacy is a potential benefit, it pales in comparison to the significant problems associated with early electronic device use.
Response 2
I argue that young children should avoid using electronic devices, even when the intention is educational. This is because electronic devices can stifle creativity. When children spend too much time on computers, they often become passive consumers of pre-designed content rather than actively engaging in creative activities. For example, playing video games or watching YouTube videos, even if they are educational, typically involve limited creative input from the child. Albert Einstein once said that "imagination is more important than knowledge." Children can gain knowledge at school, which is the primary function of education. However, schools cannot teach the ability to be creative and to imagine. Once lost, the capacity for creativity may be lost forever. Given the importance of creativity, as highlighted by Einstein, and the fact that early use of electronic devices can kill the capacity for creativity, children should not use electronic devices.
Response 3
While it's essential to consider the potential drawbacks of young children using electronic devices, a complete abstinence from such devices, even for educational purposes, may not be the most balanced approach. The key lies in responsible and supervised usage. Electronic devices can offer valuable educational opportunities when used in moderation and with appropriate content. For instance, there are numerous educational apps and interactive platforms designed to enhance early learning, covering subjects from mathematics to language development. These tools can make the learning process engaging and fun, which can be particularly beneficial for children. Therefore, rather than outright abstention, it's more practical to emphasize responsible use, parental guidance, and the selection of high-quality educational content to ensure that electronic devices contribute positively to a child's early education and development.