Hi everyone! Today, let's address a Redditor's question on improving their academic response essay. Here's how the question is posed:
The TestReady AI deducted me a point for "Organization and Development". What would you change about my answer to have a perfect score next time?
This is their essay:
I think that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution to wether urban space should be used for functional amenities or green spaces. A healthy combination of both should be aimed for. It's without a doubt more necessary to use the available urban space to construct builidings essential for the general population, but the decision about the location of these establishments should primarily focus on the necessity of the city's inhabitants. If there is no need to construct e.g. a hospital at a given space, the mayor of the city should aim to implement some greeneries.
There are several problems with the essay:
Contradictory Statement: The passage begins by stating that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution, implying that a balanced approach between functional amenities and green spaces is necessary. However, it then seems to lean towards prioritizing functional amenities over green spaces by suggesting that urban space should primarily be used for constructing buildings essential for the general population.
Unclear Position: It's not clear whether the author is advocating for a balanced approach or prioritizing functional amenities. The statement "A healthy combination of both should be aimed for" is contradicted by the subsequent emphasis on constructing essential buildings, which suggests a bias towards functional amenities.
Lack of Explanation: The passage lacks sufficient explanation or justification for the proposed approach. Why is it more necessary to prioritize functional amenities over green spaces? How does this decision align with the needs and preferences of the city's inhabitants?
Vague Language: The passage uses vague language such as "functional amenities" and "greeneries" without clearly defining these terms or providing specific examples. This lack of specificity makes it difficult for readers to understand exactly what is being advocated for.
Affordable TOEFL Writing Course
To improve this essay, the author needs to make a clear thesis statement and provide stronger justification for the thesis.If the thesis is that a balanced approach is best, here is a way to argue for the position:
Sample response 1: Balanced approach
In many urban areas, the absence of sufficient functional buildings like hospitals and schools, combined with a shortage of green spaces, poses a significant challenge. Thus, I advocate for a balanced approach that incorporates both functional buildings and green spaces, as it offers the most effective solution. Urban environments require essential amenities such as healthcare and education facilities to meet the needs of residents, alongside green spaces to improve environmental sustainability and enhance community well-being. Traditional features like ground-level courtyards and public plazas, adorned with trees, shrubs, and grassy areas, exemplify this balanced approach. Many urban areas are adopting this strategy, as seen in new mixed-use development projects. Instead of solely relying on conventional concrete structures, these developments integrate green roofs, living walls, and vertical gardens, providing tranquil havens amidst bustling cityscapes. By prioritizing the integration of functional buildings and green spaces in urban planning, cities can better address the diverse needs of their inhabitants, ultimately creating more vibrant, resilient, and livable environments for all.
Sample response 2: Priority of green spaces
While there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution to whether urban space should be used for functional amenities or green spaces, I generally advocate for green space when everything else is equal. While functional buildings serve just one purpose, whether it be schools, medical facilities, or shopping malls, there are numerous functions that green spaces can fulfill. Firstly, green spaces can serve as a refuge from the concrete jungle. Just think about the peace and calmness of sitting on a bench or grass surrounded by trees, birds, and little ponds of the green space. Introducing green spaces can greatly contribute to improved mental health and overall well-being. Moreover, green spaces enhance the aesthetic appeal of cities and create a sense of harmony with nature, making urban environments more livable. Also, the health benefits of green space cannot be emphasized enough, as green spaces help purify the air, providing clearer air for urban residents to breathe. Due to these benefits of green space, I would prioritize the integration of green spaces into urban planning in the absence of any other urgent needs of the city residents.