Language use
Hi everyone, today let's learn how to improve an essay scored 3 by the ETS to a score 5 essay. So, the question is this:
What do you think is the most significant effect that watching television has on people? Why do you think television has this effect?
Two students in the question respond as follows: Kelly said that it makes people inactive, leading to unhealthy weight gain, and Paul said that it broadens experiences. Now let's consider this essay scored 3 by the ETS rater:
ETS Sample response
In my opinion, television makes the life more interesting and fun. There are so many interesting channels and programs, and they make people laugh during watching TV. I think this is a big effect that television on people, as time is passing by. Especially these days, people lives with the serious problems and accidents. People need something fresh and can entertain. Televisions do these kind of works very well. Through Music program, people can have relaxing time, through comedy program, people can laugh... and so on. Therefore, the television influences people's feeling much better, and I think this is very important effect!!
Here are the rater's comments on the response:
ETS rater comments
This essay is in the medium writing proficiency range. It would probably earn the score of 3 based on the Academic Discussion Scoring Rubric. It is a mostly understandable contribution to the discussion. The writer provides a different point of view than either Kelly or Paul, arguing that TV “makes the life more interesting.” (But including the article “the” in “the life” is a mistake. The correct phrase is “makes life more interesting.”) The writer then explains why people welcome a bit of TV fun: they “lives with the serious problems and accidents” (the correct phrasing would be “they live with serious problems or experience accidents”), and “through Music program” (should be “when watching music programs”) they can relax, “through comedy program” (should be “when watching comedy programs”) they can laugh, and so on. But there is quite of bit of repetition of the same idea: TV is fun and makes people laugh. Also, some ideas are unclear: what does the writer mean by “as time is passing by” in the third sentence? The writer seems unable to provide many clearly expressed details or to elaborate on the basic ideas, and so the contribution to the discussion feels only partly successful. There are noticeable errors in almost every sentence. In addition to the ones indicated above, there is “a big effect that television on people” (which should read “a big effect that television has on people”), “People need something fresh and can entertain” (which should read “People need something fresh and entertaining”), and others. However, most of the meaning is still understandable despite the errors. (highlights by Dr. Byrnes)
So, this essay received a score of 3 for the following three main reasons:
repetition,
vague and unclear ideas, and
frequent grammar mistakes.
The reason it feels repetitive and vague is that it lacks specific examples after the general statements. For example, when it mentions "serious problems and accidents," the reader expects clarification on the types of problems and accidents. Similarly, when discussing music programs and comedy programs, the reader expects specific examples to support these general statements. However, the most glaring problem with the response is the language use. There are many grammar mistakes that evidence the essay's lack of proficiency. Additionally, the word choice is too informal. So, let's mainly focus on the problems with the language use elements of this essay.
Grammar mistakes
First, let’s fix grammar mistakes.
This sentence "makes the life more interesting" should be "makes life more interesting."The definite article "the" means specificity. So "the life" means some specific life of someone, but no such thing is mentioned. Because we are talking about life in general, not a specific life, we should not use the definite article. To learn more, watch Dr. Byrnes' video on "the definite article use."
The sentence "they make people laugh during watching TV" should be "they make people laugh while watching TV." "During" should be replaced with "while" since what is omitted is "they are." To use "during," it should have been written this way:
They make people laugh during comedy shows.
This sentence has problems:
"I think this is a big effect that television on people, as time is passing by"
First, the “that” clause "that television on people" needs a verb like this: "that television has on people."
Second, "as time is passing by" should be "as time passes by" since it is a general fact, not a temporary situation. If you want to know more about when to use simple tense and when to use progressive tense, you can watch Dr. Byrnes' video on “progressive vs simple tense.” So this is the correct form:
"I think this is a big effect that television has on people, as time passes by."
This sentence has two problems: subject-verb disagreement in number and has the definite article misuse:
"people lives with the serious problems"
should be "people live with serious problems" - "lives" should be "live" to match the plural subject "people" and "the" before "serious problems" does not make sense since problems are generic not specific as the writer of this essay did not specify the problems.
This sentence is not grammatical:
" People need something fresh and can entertain"
These are several ways to fix the sentence:
People need something fresh that they can be entertained with.
People need something fresh that can entertain them.
People need something fresh and entertaining.
This sentence has the number disagreement problem:
"Televisions do these kind of works very well"
should be "Televisions do this kind of work very well" - "these kind of works" should be "this kind of work" since "kind" is singular, so should be modified by singular determiner "this." Additionally, "works" should be used as a singular uncountable noun to mean task or job.
This phrase "Through Music program" should be "Through music programs." Most English nouns can be used as both countable and uncountable nouns. When used as countable nouns, they mean discrete, countable things, and when used as uncountable nouns, they mean uncountable mass. For instance, “chickens” means live chicken, and “chicken” means chicken meat. If you want to knwo more about noun countability, you can watch Dr. Byrnes’ videos on noun countability on YouTube. In this sentence. "program" should be used as a countable noun “programs” to mean concrete TV shows.
This sentence also has a number problem:
"Therefore, the television influences people's feeling much better."
Just like “people’s life" means people are sharing one life, which is incorrect, “people's feeling” means people are sharing one feeling, which is incorrect. Each has their own life and feeling, so it should be "people's lives" and "people’s feelings.
This phrase also has problems with the comparative form. First, "much better" should be "much more" since the phrase modifies the verb “influence.” Also, when you make comparisons, make sure what you are comparing with. We have no idea what is compared. Is it compared with other forms of media like radio or books or just non-TV? So it should have been like this:
Watching television influences people's feelings much more than not watching TV.
Television influences people's feelings much more than many other forms of media.
Word choice
There are also problems with word choice, making the response inappropriate for an academic response. These are examples of how to repair the informal phrases.
Instead of "so many," you could use "numerous" or "a multitude of" for a more formal tone.
Replace "very well" with "effectively" or "efficiently" to elevate the formality of the sentence.
"and I think" - While not necessarily informal, beginning sentences with "and" or "but" is often considered less formal in academic writing.
"and so on" - This phrase is informal; consider replacing it with "and so forth" or simply omitting it for a more formal tone.
"Especially these days" - This phrase is relatively informal; instead, you could say "particularly in contemporary times" for a more formal tone.
Instead of “"big effect" you can use "significant impact" or "substantial influence" for a more formal tone.
Sample response by Dr. Byrnes
Correcting these violations improves the clarity, formality, and overall quality of the essay. This is an essay that provides colorful details, making it engaging and persuasive.
In my opinion, the most significant impact of television on people is that it provides the needed escape from the daily grind. Modern life is not so different from life 10,000 years ago. While we do not need to hunt for mammoths and bisons daily, just like our ancestors, we still find ourselves engaged in repetitive routines necessary for survival and advancement. However, there are moments when these routines become overwhelming, particularly when faced with setbacks such as receiving a disappointing grade on a test. During these letdown times, TV can be a great solace. For instance, timeless sitcoms like "Seinfeld" offer viewers a lighthearted escape from the complexities of everyday life. The humor and relatable characters of "Seinfeld" provide audiences with a much-needed break from their worries, allowing them to unwind and laugh amidst their struggles. Moreover, television has the power to inspire hope and resilience in viewers by showcasing stories of triumph over adversity and reminding them that they are not alone in their struggles. In this way, I believe that TV contributes to people’s overall well-being.