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| TOEFL writing comments |
TOEFL Writing Course
The essay has several serious problems, and will score about 3.5 out of 5. These are the glaring problems:
Organization
The essay should have introduced the second argument by explicitly stating "Secondly" or "Another argument according to the writer." Without the order-indicating signal, it looks like the pirate argument continues the first cost-saving argument.
The essay needs to spend equal time on the three arguments. This essay spends a lot on the first but not much on the second and third arguments, making it look hurried and without planning.
The last sentence refutes the professor's point, instead of supporting it.
Grammar
1. “The” use
Do not use the definite article "the" when a noun does not refer to anything specific.
cargo ships will save the companies → cargo ships will save the companies
the pirates → pirates
the ship → ships
the ship → ships
2. Tense inconsistency
Consider thai sentence:
Crewless cargo ships will save the companies significant amounts of money that were spent to pay the human crew.
The sentence does not make sense. Simple past means money was spent, but not any more in the present. To make it logically sensible, add 'previously' to the simple past or make it the present perfect form as follows
"Crewless cargo ships will save companies significant amounts of money that were previously spent to pay human crews."
"Crewless cargo ships will save companies significant amounts of money that have been spent to pay human crews."
these expenses were cutting into company’s profits
→ these expenses have cut into companies' profits
3. Mood inconsistency
if the ship was crewless, these defects will remain unfixed.
The sentence mixes moods. The conditional is in the subjunctive mood, but the consequent is in the indicative mood. To agree, use the subjunctive past form which indicates the opposite to the present situation.
If the ship were crewless, these defects would remain unfixed.
4. Pronoun misuse
As a result, if the ship was crewless these defects will remain unfixed until they reach their destination.
The pronouns "they" and "their" lack a clear antecedent (the noun or phrase they refer to). The only plural noun in the previous part of the sentence is "defects," but it wouldn't make sense for defects to reach the destination. the pronouns must refer to ships. These are correct versions:
→ As a result, if ships were crewless, these defects would remain unfixed until they reached their destination.
→ As a result, if the ship were crewless, these defects would remain unfixed until it reached its destination.
TOEFL Writing Course
Crewless cargo ships are autonomous container ships that do not require human control. The article provides three arguments in support of crewless cargo ships. The professor disagrees.
One argument according to the article is that crewless ships would be economical as it would help reduce labor costs by eliminating salaries and other living expenses for crew members. The professor, however, maintains that the real cost of crewless ships can be much higher than having crewed ships. Not only is there already a minimum number of crew members on cargo ships, but they also perform critical functions such as maintaining the ships and repairing broken parts immediately. By the time the ships reach the ports with broken equipment, fixing broken parts can be much costlier. Thus, the cost-saving argument is refuted.
Another argument in favor of crewless ships is their potential repellence to pirates who have targeted crewed ships to take crews as hostages and make ransom money. A crewless ship can be designed to make it nearly impossible for pirates to board the ship. In response, the professor maintains that hackers who are highly technical can easily hack into the ship's security or navigation system to use it maliciously, such as crashing the ships or taking the ships to locations where they can loot the goods in the cargo containers.
The third argument is that crewless ships would reduce the number of accidents at sea. The reason is that most accidents occur due to human errors or reacting to emergency situations slowly, which would be avoided with computers and sensors. Regarding slow reaction time, the professor points out that ships react slowly not because of slow human reaction time, but because of the sheer size of container ships to change course. He also highlights the fact that many ships at sea are manned by humans who can make mistakes. In this situation, while computers can only detect and react to situations in a predetermined logical way, human crews can anticipate the bad decisions of other people on their ships and react accordingly, thus avoiding disasters.
Version 2
This essay begins with the lecture:
The professor rebuts the article's arguments in support of crewless cargo ships—autonomous container ships that do not require human control—by providing three counterarguments.
The professor first counters the article's cost-saving argument for crewless cargo ships, which suggests that such ships would eliminate expenses like crew salaries and other living costs for crew members. However, the professor maintains that the real cost of crewless ships can be much higher than that of crewed ships. Not only is there already a minimum number of crew members on cargo ships, but they also perform critical functions such as maintaining the ships and immediately repairing broken parts. By the time the ships reach the ports with broken equipment, fixing these parts can be much costlier. Thus, the cost-saving argument is refuted.