Hi everyone! Today we will examine a TOEFL academic essay submitted to Dr. Byrne's YouTube channel for an evaluation. This is the essay:
The topic about technology has been a discussion in recent years. Personally, I believe that it depends how we utilize technology. For instance, the airplane, there are positive and negative effects of the airplane in our daily lives. The positive effects is we can go to the different places we want to go in an hour or in few hours rather than driving for a long period of time. The negative impact of the airplane is, it produces higher gas emission and it has bad effects in our planet. My classmates perspectives are great and I would like to expand on that. Technology is helping us to make our lives easier but it is also have negative effects in our daily lives such as it can take away our jobs and it has negative effects in our environment.
The essay has the basic essay structure, consisting of an introduction, body, and conclusion. Sadly, however, this essay is not good, scoring an average of 3.5. The essay lacks a clear argument.
The conclusion part does not serve as a conclusion for the essay. By stating "My classmates' perspectives are great and I would like to expand on that," it is more appropriate for an introduction, never as a conclusion.
Can you guess why the writer was muddled in their thought process and blundering around? The reason is that the writer did not have a good thesis statement. A good thesis statement for a TOEFL academic writing task is one that can be defended in one paragraph within 10 minutes. In Dr. Byrne's TOEFL Writing Course, you will find not only how to structure essays for the TOEFL but also hundreds of example essays covering various academic disciplines.
Since the essay does not have a good thesis statement, the writer ends up jumping from one idea to another, failing to provide a coherent argument. Of course, there are many grammar and style mistakes as well, which is common in an average-scoring essay. We'll focus on creating strong thesis statements and logically organizing arguments, along with mastering basic grammar and topic development. To illustrate these points, we'll analyze a sample student essay submitted to Dr. Byrnes' YouTube channel. Let's get started and make your TOEFL responses stand out!
The topic about technology has been a discussion in recent years. Personally, I believe that it depends how we utilize technology. For instance, the airplane, there are positive and negative effects of the airplane in our daily lives. The positive effects is we can go to the different places we want to go in an hour or in few hours rather than driving for a long period of time. The negative impact of the airplane is, it produces higher gas emission and it has bad effects in our planet. My classmates perspectives are great and I would like to expand on that. Technology is helping us to make our lives easier but it is also have negative effects in our daily lives such as it can take away our jobs and it has negative effects in our environment.
Let's dissect this essay line by line and identify its strengths, weaknesses, and areas for improvement.
Intro part
The opening sentence, “The topic about technology has been a discussion in recent years.” is a weak start. First, the correct form is this: "The topic of technology has been a source of discussion in recent years," It's factually inaccurate – the debate about technology's impact has been around for much longer. Think about figures like Schumpeter in the 20th century, or even earlier with thinkers like Karl Marx and Adam Smith. A statement like this reveals a lack of depth on the topic. In academic discussions, aiming to sound sharp and knowledgeable is key.
Moving on to the next sentence, "Personally, I believe that it depends how we utilize technology." This is the thesis statement, which is too broad and unclear. While the prompt itself might not be explicitly stated, most discussions have an underlying question. To engage your reader, consider a reformulated thesis like this:
To the question of whether technology has a positive or negative influence on society, I personally believe the answer depends on how we humans use it.
This revised thesis still needs some development, though. Does this mean technology itself is value-neutral, becoming good or bad only through human use? Or are you suggesting all technology inherently has both positive and negative sides? Without further explanation of this broad thesis, the essay quickly jumps to an example.
“For instance, the airplane, there are positive and negative effects of the airplane in our daily lives. The positive effects is we can go to the different places we want to go in an hour or in few hours rather than driving for a long period of time.The negative impact of the airplane is, it produces higher gas emission and it has bad effects in our planet.
Body part
This body paragraph suffers from grammatical errors and lacks clear topic development. There are also grammar and usage (style) mistakes, most notably: subject-verb agreement errors, definite article misuse, comma misuse, comparative forms without comparison, incorrect prepositions, and sentence fragments. The informal style should be rewritten in a formal manner to meet the demands of academic writing. Additionally, overuse of "and" should be replaced with more varied sentence structure.
Let's analyze each sentence "For instance, the airplane, there are positive and negative effects of the airplane in our daily lives." This is a sentence fragment because it lacks a verb. A corrected version would be: "For instance, the airplane has both positive and negative effects on our daily lives."
In the sentence "The positive effects is we can go to the different places we want to go in an hour or in few hours rather than driving for a long period of time," the subject "The positive effects" is plural, so the verb should be "are" instead of "is." Additionally, the definite article "the" is not appropriate here because it implies a specific positive effect that hasn't been mentioned. Here's a better option: "One positive effect of airplanes is that they allow us to visit places within a very short amount of time, which is impossible if we drive to the destination by car."
Consider the next sentence:
"The negative impact of the airplane is, it produces higher gas emissions and it has bad effects on our planet." Again "the" is inappropriate since there can be more than one negative impact. Second, the comma should not be here and the clause should be preceded by "that." Also, "gas emission" should be plural "gas emissions". And "in our planet" should be "on our planet". So this is the corrected version:
One of the negative impacts of airplanes is that they produce higher gas emissions, which has negative effects on our planet.
So, this is the corrected version of the body paragraph::
"For instance, the airplane has positive and negative effects on our daily lives. The positive effects are that we can go to different places we want to go in an hour or a few hours rather than driving for a long period of time. The negative impact of the airplane is that it produces higher gas emissions and has bad effects on our planet."
Moving on to the question of topic development, the body needs a lot more ideas to be persuasive. First of all, don't just say airplanes are fast! That's not the point. You used the airplane example to illustrate the positive effect of technology, so you must connect this example back to your thesis about technology depending on its use. For example, you can mention that this fast travel allows us to work more productively or to spend more time enjoying our destinations, which highlights the positive impact. Remember that your goal when using an example is how the example illustrates or vindicates your thesis. This is a body paragraph with clear topic development:
Consider airplanes as an example. On the one hand, airplanes allow us to travel to distant destinations in a matter of hours, significantly reducing travel time compared to driving. This efficiency translates to more time spent enjoying our destinations or completing tasks instead of being stuck in transit. These positive effects, such as increased efficiency and productivity, clearly demonstrate the benefits of technology.
However, technology also has a downside. Using airplanes again as an example, their emissions release a significant amount of pollutants into the atmosphere, harming the environment. This highlights the negative impact technology can have. In this way, as exemplified by airplanes, most technological advancements have both positive and negative consequences for human society.
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Conclusion part
Let's move on to the concluding section of this essay.
"My classmates' perspectives are great, and I would like to expand on that. Technology is helping us make our lives easier, but it also has negative effects on our daily lives, such as potentially taking away jobs and harming the environment." Here's why this conclusion isn't ideal:
New Claim: You introduce a new idea about job displacement by technology, which wasn't discussed in the body paragraphs. Conclusions should summarize existing points, not introduce new arguments.
Unclear Contribution: The conclusion doesn't clearly state your contribution to the discussion. Did you agree or disagree with classmates? Did you offer a nuanced perspective?
Problems with the essay
The essay cannot score high due to persistent grammar errors and inadequate topic development. In addition to these problems, there are two other major problems with this essay that we need to address.
First issue - structure. The organization of ideas in this essay is not logical. The writer states "My classmates' perspectives are great and I would like to expand on that" near the conclusion. However, this should have been introduced at the beginning to provide context. A better opening could be:
"Both Kelly and Andrew provide interesting perspectives, but I believe that their ideas are true only in broad strokes. Here I offer a more nuanced view on technology that is overlooked by both of my clsaamates."
Alternatively, if you wanted to reference the classmates' perspectives at the end, you could say something like after you concluded your own arguments as follows:
"While both Kelly and Andrew provide interesting perspectives, I believe that my argument for X adds a more nuanced evaluation of the role of technology in our lives."
The key point here is that you need to clearly show how your ideas contribute to the overall discussion. Merely mentioning or summarizing the classmates’ arguments in the question without explaining how they relate to your own arguments will not earn you any extra points, and in fact it will lower your score since now you lost time and space to develop your own argument.
The second major issue is the lack of a clear, defensible thesis statement within one paragraph. The thesis presented, "I believe that it depends how we utilize technology.," is too broad and frankly, not very interesting as It's quite commonsensical. In a TOEFL academic writing task, where you have just 10 minutes which gives you just enough time to write one paragraph, you need to have a very narrow and specific thesis so that you can thoroughly support it with detailed arguments. The key is to take a specific angle, develop it with depth and detail, and construct a tightly focused thesis statement that you can comprehensively argue within the constraints of a single paragraph.
Now, towards the end, the essay does touch upon some interesting points, such as "Technology can take away our jobs" and "it has negative effects on our environment." These are the kinds of specific claims you should focus on and develop more thoroughly with evidence and examples. These are two sample essays that use these ideas as theses:
Sample essays with laser-sharp theses
Job displacement due to technology
While Kelly provides interesting perspectives on the positive role of technology, I believe her ideas are true only in broad strokes; here I explain a more nuanced view on technology that is overlooked by Kelly. It is resolutely true that technology offers convenience in various aspects of our lives. However, we should not lose sight of its negative impact, especially on its role in job displacement. Recent human history is scattered with job losses due to technology. The most poignant examples are factory workers losing their jobs due to automation and robots. Now, with the advancement of AI technology looming to take away the jobs of even higher-level skilled workers, this is a serious problem not just for individuals who are unemployed but also for society overall, as it exacerbates income inequality and economic hardship for many. Due to these disruptive and destabilizing effects on society, I suggest taking a more nuanced view on technology's role in our lives.
Environmental impact of technology
I espouse that technology has more negative impact than positive impact, especially considering its effects on the environment and contribution to carbon emissions causing global warming. It's not just cars emitting carbon, but the production of technological marvels like smartphones, computers, and other devices requires immense energy from fossil fuel-burning power plants that release greenhouse gases. Mining and transporting raw materials for tech products also generates significant emissions. Moreover, discarded electronics in landfills release greenhouse gases as they break down. With constant product turnover, this manufacturing and disposal cycle continually pumps more carbon into the atmosphere, a major driver of rising temperatures, melting ice caps, and extreme weather events - human-made disasters. While technology offers convenience, I don't believe its benefits outweigh the harm it causes to humans and nature.
As you can see, both sample essays focus on one specific point, the first on job loss and the second on environmental ruin. So, the takeaway for today's TOEFL academic writing is to make your thesis narrow so that you can defend it in one paragraph.
OK, that's all we have today. Let us know if you have any questions on TOEFL academic writing!